http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/10/20/your-assignment-for-today-chew-gum/
As I begun to read only the first paragraph, I was immediately interested in the article. Emanuel introduces the topic as he reminisces, "When I was growing up, you would be sent to the principal's office for chewing gum in school. We were told chewing gum was bad; it caused cavities". This opening phrase is structured perfectly for him to begin his argument. He contrasts the ways of the old versus the new generations. He states the consequences and the reasons behind them; it caused cavities. His structure is a great start it leads him into a discussion of the discoveries of the new generation. He supports his opinion with the benefits of chewing gum, and backs it up with claims explaining the reasoning.
Emanuel includes an array of details to convince the audience that gum is overall beneficial. The writer provides astonishing facts which make the readers question why this isn't already in affect. What I found most shocking is that more than 50 million hours of school are missed each year because of dental problems (Emanuel). This statement allows the readers to take a step back and overlook the overall affect. 50 million hours of missed school is a big statement, especially to the one's concerned with education; the parents. Therefore Emanuel succeeds in connecting with his targeted audience.
Throughout Emanuel's commentary, he keeps his readers intrigued with the help of his sophisticated diction. Emanuel informs the readers in the second paragraph of the new use for gum as he writes, "Like chocolate and coffee, gum is now being rehabilitated." The word he emphasizes on here is rehabilitated. He applies this action to the gum, almost personifying it. With this, the gum can be re-defined, similar to cherished treats such as coffee and chocolate. Emanuel appeals to a new, more broad audience here as he uses items many people can relate to.
The first thing I noticed: NO CONCLUSION!
ReplyDeleteYou need to add in a conclusion to synthesize your points into, well, a conclusion. Otherwise, you've just made a bunch of points that don't seem to mean anything when taken together. Your thesis sets you up for a conclusion, but you didn't make one (a conclusion, that is).
Also, I would work on structuring your essay. Your thesis sets the essay up in the order of: diction, syntax, and details. However, you put diction at the end and shift every main point up. This can be confusing to the reader (obviously not in a short essay like close readings are), and may lose you points on the AP exam.
I agree with Sam. You really need to make sure that you have a conclusion to connect all of your ideas and make your essay stronger. Also, your topic sentence for your second paragraph is very weak. This does not tell me anything about the author's use of syntax, and is sort of irrelevant. In addition to that, in past years, I have been taught to avoid writing in the first person when doing essays such as this, which is what you did in that sentence. You did this again in your next paragraph. Your opinion is not necessary in this type of essay, so I think it is best to not include it.
ReplyDeleteI think you should add a conclusion to this closed prompt. As Sam said it would help the reader understand for a final time what you are trying to convey. It helps synthesize the ideas better. Also the thesis you put forward you don't follow the essay in the order you put forth. In your next essay I would make sure you put your body paragraphs in order.
ReplyDeleteIn September, your peer reviewers advocated for a more essay-like structure, with a clear thesis, claims based on this thesis, and evidence tied to the claims through warrants. I see that you're working on these issues, here--you did include a thesis, so good job there. Your peer reviewers this month are right, though, that your claims (topic sentences) need to be drawn from your thesis, and in a logical order, so that your reader can follow your argument, and that your essay should be 100% in third person (no "I," "me," etc.) For next month, work toward a thesis that makes a specific claim about tone (it's "enthusiastic," it's "bitter," etc.), try to base your topic sentences (claims) on this thesis, make sure that you are using clear warrants to show how your evidence supports your claims, and write only in the third person.
ReplyDelete